Withdrawal, Flashbacks, Guilt & Self-Respect

Two great obstacles that might stand between any of us and progress are: 1) Not respecting, valuing or caring for ourselves enough, and 2) Practicing self-sabotage or repeatedly making things more difficult on ourselves than they would have to be.

Today, let’s talk about self-respect. It is a powerful but often elusive goal in healing & life to value ourselves and act accordingly. Why? At times because we have internalized real or perceived criticism from others (perhaps from long ago and tied to trauma), and at times because we are too focused on trying to please people rather than on commanding their respect.

One thing that really bothered me in the healing process was the negative flashbacks and accompanying shame and internal pain. When I got off the SSRI Paxil in my mid-30’s, I was hit by many symptoms including severe insomnia, flu-like, physical sickness, dread, anhedonia and anxiety. But one of the more disturbing experiences was that of the flashbacks. Memories of shortcomings and mistakes (real or perceived) from 20-plus years prior—from high school and college—immediately came flooding back to me in the form of nightmares in the moments I could sleep and waking ruminations and condemnations during the rest of the day’s difficult hours.

I suddenly remembered—or thought I did—every bad thing I’d ever done from so many years ago. And I remember and ruminated upon every rejection, criticism, or interpersonal complication I’d experienced as a youth (in the years before going on the medication). The result of it all was excessive guilt, shame, self-loathing, and feelings of worthlessness. There were even worries that I’d never be able to secure love and redemption from God.

After suffering through such memories and feelings for many months I finally worked up the courage to ask a pastor what I could do with these persistent difficulties regarding feeling forgiven and loveable. I just needed to find some inner peace.

His reply was to simply “accept God’s forgiveness.” It sounded too simple, so simple that it angered me at first. But in the end it was sound advice.

There are two steps to living in the renewed light and power of God’s forgiveness. 1) Asking God for forgiveness 2) Accepting it and internalizing it deeply and without equivocation (i.e., telling yourself it is okay to feel okay about yourself and move forward).

So that is one step toward finding greater self-respect while healing: moving past regret and guilt (much of which is excessive and excessively disturbing due to neurochemical dysregulation while in medication withdrawal), and also no longer paying heed to critical voices from the past.

Another step is moving away from the idea of being a people pleaser. It is good to have respect for others, and to live out the Godly idea of caring for others and doing unto them as you’d wish done unto you. But people pleasing is a different story. That involves a lack of boundaries and oftentimes saying “yes” to things that should be a “no” and vice versa.

There is a quote that says: “Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

And the opposite is the great irony of people pleasing. Those you are seeking to please often don’t end up respecting you—your time, your needs, your sensitivities, your boundaries, etc.

As you move forward in healing, make it a goal to consistently build up your own sense of self-respect and to live accordingly. Realize that you don’t need to carry the burden of excessive regret and guilt. Realize that you no longer must listen to those critical voices that might have been living with you rent free for far too long; also realize that you must set boundaries in your relationships and make sure that others not only like or love you, but respect you as well (just as you do them).

Keep moving forward in healing and growth this week. You are worth it!

Michael